Yesterday my son discovered that he can brush his teeth while pooping. He was so proud of himself, Master of Innovation, that I almost stopped myself from screaming. I mean, I screamed and all, but I  hesitated. That counts.  The good news is, I don’t have to replace his toothbrush or anything, because he used mine.

I’m going to just go ahead and take the “L” on this one, since the kids are most definitely picking up on my insane compulsion to multi-task. Most days I feel like everything would be a cake walk if there were just 3 of me. Me 1 can go to work, and do a damn fine, super focused job of it, at that. Me 2 would Mom it up hard core- I’m talking PTO, Pinterest, Bento boxes for lunch, cute little outfits for the frigging Elf on the Shelf, you name it. Pass me my apron.

Me 3 would be a whole different story. Me 3 would be the “Me” Me. You know what I’m getting at here, girls. This Me would buy clothes for fashion purposes. She would workout during daylight hours and still have time for crazy shit like “coffee” and “lunch”. Her roots would be an absolute mystery. If this bitch was tired, she’d take a nap. A NAP I TELL YOU!!!

The problem with being the sole proprietor of my particular operation, is that I never really feel like I’m giving any one thing my 100% best. When I’m at work, I’m thinking about the kids. When I take a day off to do something special with the kids, I have anxiety about the shitstorm I’ll be coming back to the next day at work. On the odd chance I socialize, I’m dreaming of putting on my sweatpants and crawling into bed. When I’m in bed, I tell my husband we really should go out more.

I once heard Cyndi Lauper call it the Struggle of the Juggle. My, how the mighty have fallen.

I blame Mary Tyler Moore. And Woodstock. Gloria Steinem can kiss my ass.  I’m ready to go kick it old school, pearls and pies and picket fences. I’m ready to give good old -fashioned wifey boredom a try.

But, we are living in the age of the Girl Boss, and it just so happens that I have a little girl. And damned if I don’t want her to be a Boss. So off I go, up at dawn, kicking ass and taking names and showing her how it’s done, just like my mom did for me. (By the way, I’m exhausted and I miss my old face from 10 years ago.)

These 3 kids though…these kids and that man and that home and those precious moments when we’re all together and I am absolutely slammed with gratitude so hard I can barely breathe…

I’ll just buy a new toothbrush.


#motherhood #girlboss #family #kids #twins #workingmom

4 thoughts on “Efficiency”

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